I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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