I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I AM VODKA MAN
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
