When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
