you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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