Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
