Jerry, you need to find god
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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