I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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