he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
