Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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