I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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