My friends, they love my intelligence
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
