This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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