dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
