hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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