i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
