DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
do nipples grow back?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
