Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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