I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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