My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
