well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
