You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
