i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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