who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
