I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
