I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Two words: blizzard sex
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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