Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
