Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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