I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Randomize
