period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
