One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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