I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
