Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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