I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
