3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
