Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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