did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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