Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize