i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's rum buckets o'clock
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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