Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
