First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
