You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
