Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
