I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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