; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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