It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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