And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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