I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
