I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
