So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
