2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
foreskin is a definite game changer
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
