I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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