Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
