Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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