I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
