I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
