I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
